PoE

Welcome to Petals of the Earth. I'll be your serving partner today in your dining experience. Can I offer you some unfiltered spring water to build up the natural bacteria in your body? Great, and would you also like some wheatgrass to cleanse your palate? Is this the first time you've been to our kitchen? Oh, well let me tell you a bit about our menu and restaurant, which are completely biodegradable by the way. Yep, both the menu and the restaurant in its entirety.

So first of all, you should know that our food comes from nearby farms and is walked or biked over to our restaurant every morning by several not-yet-documented friends. All of our food is vegan, meaning there are no meat or dairy products or other products originating from animals or using non-consensual animals in their production. We're also anti-soy because, ha, well everyone knows why. So I'll also just preempt the question about the chai lattes on our menu and let you know that the milk in our lattes has been milked from fully consensual human breasts. Mostly our milk donors are women who've recently given birth and had their babies adopted by families in Africa to give them a richer cultural upbringing than they would otherwise have in the United States.

Additionally, since you are here for the dinner crowd, please know that once the sun sets, you'll be eating your food in the dark. Your senses of touch, smell, and taste are remarkably well adapted to dealing with not having any light. Trust me, you'll see! Ha, just kidding. You won't be able to see.

All of our food is prepared raw obviously. And you'll have an option of three meals tonight. We have greens with peanuts. We have cactus with bamboo. And we have hay. All are very high in fiber and quite satisfying to the soul.

Payment is of course by the barter system only, and on a sliding scale of whatever you feel is the equivalent value of your meal. If you feel that your meal is worth one antique sewing machine, then that's what you'll pay for it. If you feel it's worth your favorite dreamcatcher, then that's what you'll pay. Most people end up feeling like the meal measures up to one of their favorites! Or if it can only possibly be quantified in positive vibes and smiles, then that works too. You know that's actually the best deal for us, because good energy expands and multiplies... for free! So that payment keeps on giving!

Oh and that reminds me, you're not allowed to bring in any external food or drink. Just simply because we won't be able to know what kind of energy it was raised with and carries, you know? I mean, it's a pretty obvious rule, but sometimes it trips people up for some reason so I like to remind everyone.

I'll be back after a few sun salutations to take your nourishment decisions.

stuffs 2

Oh yes, I'm religious. I go to church and stuff. I was raised that way, but I also believe it, you know. Too much fucked up stuff in this world not to believe in a god. You gotta believe in a god. Who else is gonna save you when that rapture comes? Just kidding. But really, stuff's messed up. No way that coulda just happened it on its own. Lotsa violence all around us. We gotta scary god. Really fuckin scary, that god.

I went to college. Small women's college in South Carolina. Bunch of fancy girls sown there. I never could pull of a fancy hat. Always scared I'd get stuck in an elevator door or car door or screen door, or that there would be some bird coming towards my head and I wouldn't see it because of that stupid straw hat. Birds are crazy. You got a bird? People who have birds as pets are playing with fire. You want to talk about god? Right there. If god wasn't crazy, he wouldn't have invented birds.

I don't like ochra. I don't trust it. What makes it so slimy? How is that the only vegetable that's that slimy like that? Vegetables come in food groups, or families, just like animals. They're all related. Now you tell me what food group ochra is in. Right? Can't do it. Ochra and birds, I tell you. We live in a fucked up world.

I do like pastas. Pastas with tomato and greens and cheese. Fish can mess you up, you know that? Not enough people do know that. You know about mercury poisoning? People would say it was just for people working in hat factories. And now they pretend it's not a problem anymore. But you eve met someone who eats a lot of tuna fish? I have. That tuna'll make you go crazy. Slowly so you won't know until you're all out crazy, which is the worst kind of crazy-making. Kind of like the worst slowest most invisible type of cancer of crazy-making. I don't know how they still sell that stuff. It should have a warning on it. They don't sell mercury thermomenters anymore because you're not supposed to be drinking that stuff. That's crazy they had you putting that in your mouth with just a thin piece of glass between you and that crazy juice! That's just crazy. We live in a fucked up world, I tell you.

stuff 1

Do you ever just feel like sugar snap peas are god's gift to Brooklyn via his had of the farmer's market. I mean, not that I believe a god necessarily exists, but if he did. Then again, I mean, I guess if you think of nature as your god, which lets face it, it really is, right? Then sugar snap peas really are god's gift to us.

I tried that new yoga studio today. It's good but I'm just not sure my chakras are aligned and feeling it. I think there's a weird breeze that's throwing them off. Or maybe that neon light that you can see from the far right corner of the studio if you have to sit there because you get in late. I mean, who wants to do yoga in the middle of the red light district of Amsterdam because that's what it feels like, right? Know what I mean?

Aw man, bikes though, right? Amazing. I just got this new old bike that is such a sweet ride. I can feel the history in it, know what I mean? I bet it's been in Brooklyn for like 40 years ever since it was made. It's a US made one. Or maybe some old farmer owned it out in Montana and then his son rode it all the way to the East coast to become a film actor or an urban farmer or something. It's definitely got a lot of stories to tell, I just know it.

You know what I'm really into these days? Mandolins. They're just so sexy, I think, right? Like the have this twang like they're being played out of some rusty old eroding barn. But they're tough you know. Like that nerd from high school James Titter who totally now runs some kick-ass farm in upstate New York and is like biking in food to New York City public schools. Like he's kinda sweet but then super tough too. Like he could definitely be lost in the woods for a few days and would be totally fine and also reach some new level of Buddhist enlightenment because that's just what he does when he's bored.

Oh wow, the sun is totally setting already, I gotta run! I'm meeting my friend Johnster at dusk, we're gonna take pictures of that rusty car on the corner of Vanderbilt and Bergen. Love and light, guys!

Hair Horror Films

By E and L

Shadow of a One Handlebar Mustache

Eye Without an Eyebrow: Errant Razor

The Smell of Burning S’mores and Singed Bangs

Guerrilla Greys

Creeping Bald Spot: The Case of the Missing Hairs

The Waxing Wistakes: Distracted Bikini Waxer

Mr. Simmons' Interrogation

Alright, Mr. Simmons. You give me an answer and you give it to me now. Did you or did you not import bed bugs to the upper east side of Manhattan in order to sell more mattresses? Did you?

I see here you took a little trip to the Amazon last winter. Know what loves the rainforest? Bed bugs! That’s what. Warm moist mattress-like piles of leaves and dirt. They just can’t get enough of that climate. But I didn’t have to tell you that, Mr. Simmons. No, you and your cozy warm, mattress-lined suitcases already knew that.

Lift up your sleeve, Simmons. Lift it!! Where are the bites? Where are they!? Don’t show me freckles, I want to see bites! I know they’re there. You can’t be breeding bed bugs and not encounter a few casualties yourself along the way.

Or has your little bed bug infestation racket raked in so much profit that you’re contracting out your bed bug breeding? Paying some illegal immigrants to do your dirty work for you? Mating their crunchy flattened shells and spawning thousands of itty bitty bed bugs in a bed bug seeped mattress? Disgusting, Mr. Simmons. How do you sleep at night?

You’re taking down this country, Simmons. One mattress at a time. Well I’ll tell you, what you are doing is un-American. There’s nothing more anti-liberty than a bed bug. Americans can’t get fat and happy without a good night’s sleep. And with your anti-West rhetoric? Soon people may think beds are a luxury they don’t need. And wouldn’t that come back and bite you in the ass?

America-hater! You think we should live with insects just because other countries do?? Or you think we can just keep buying mattresses forever because we’re scared of animals?? You’re tearing this country apart, Simmons! Americans can’t deal with wildlife. Who do you think we are, Australians?!

You’re an extremist, Simmons. Causing trouble and discomfort to the extreme. We could try you for biological warfare, you know that? In 1956, Edgar Pervins was set to fire for bringing rats into the New York City subway system. 50 plus years later, and look where we are: still infested. Diseased, infested, subway systems that no one can take anymore because they’re filled to the brim with rats. Rats on every bench and every seat. Sometimes playing that stupid tambourine asking for money. Edgar Pervins was a cabbie, you see. You’re not the first one to try and pull this stunt. But by god, if I have anything to do with it, you’ll be the last.

Where’d you train, Simmons? Kandahar? Algeria? CHICAGO?? Sleezbags, all of ‘em.

Well listen up, your little bed bug scheme is over. You gotta stop breeding ‘em just to sell more mattresses. And not only that, but you’re gonna help us get rid of ‘em. I don’t care that you bred them and suckled those disgusting little bugs. Consider this little meeting adjourned.

Local Organic Healthy Community Comrade!

I moved to Portland, and I’m pretty excited because it’s just sooo easy to live the values I value here. I went to the co-op today, which is the oldest and biggest food co-op in the country. Soo yeah, it’s pretty great.

No, I’m sorry, I totally would show you around but you’re not allowed to go inside if you’re not a member. It’s just fairer that way, you know? Also, there’s no way you could possibly be eating as mindfully as us if you’re not a member and it’s just something we all have in common. It’s really a community there.

So as I was saying, I just feel like even though I still drive a car and own two $10,000 strollers for my two adorable Ethiopian babies--Injera and Salaam--who I flew over on their own personal jets when I adopted them, I’m really living sustainably this way. I mean, sure I could just go to one of the other four supermarkets in a six block radius. Sure they’re “convenient” and provide corporate "employment" opportunities. But how could I sleep at night like that? Knowing that the decision that I was making was affecting the farmers and the way that trade works and poor trade practices are perpetuated and climate change and completely expediting the melting of the arctic. Did you know there are so many natural wonders that aren’t going to be around in another 20 years?

Oh also, now I don’t mean this to sound pretentious, but you feel pretty good about yourself when you belong to the co-op too. Not like you’re better than anyone else; I would never think that. I mean, who am I to say what or who is better?! But it just, like, you know, shows that you’re making smarter, healthier, more responsible, more humane decisions than people who don’t belong to the co-op.

(Phone rings)

Oh, excuse me, I’m so sorry.

(Into phone) You did what!?!! What the f*ck you f*cking c*bagsh*tface, I’m in the middle of something!!

(Off of the phone) Anyway, what was I saying? Geez, I keep losing my train of thought these days! Ack, so silly! So I just think that belonging to the co-op shows that you’re really living... what do they say? Living with intention, you know? Like making decisions about how you live rather than just taking what comes or not thinking about the consequences of your-

(Phone vibrates) Uggg shut the f*ck up you stupid f*cking cockface!

(Back to conversation)

-consequences of your actions.

Ethnographic study - part IV

Recommendations

It has been around three months that I have been with the Unemployeds, living as one of them. I’m not sure exactly; I cannot find my calendar and the clock is flashing 12:00. It’s light outside. It’s either August or September. Or possibly October.

I have truly come to appreciate the Unemployeds’ community over the past months. I really believe that at their core, they are just misunderstood because their language and habits are different than those of the Employeds’ world; not that our needs and wishes are inherently conflictual. It is luck of the draw what life we each get born into and what cross is ours to bear. And the Employeds just happened to win the lottery; what with your fancy haircuts and your fancy suits and your fancy Peruvian restaurants. Who needs fancy Peruvian food?!

Oh. So as I was saying, they really are just like us, and we have to continue to understand our differences in order to see how minor they are. Through my research, I have found that there is nothing substantial that should keep members of these groups from being friends, partners, husbands and wives, parents, cousins, nephews, and nieces of one another. Yes, Unemployeds may need a little extra support from family and the government, but this in no way poses a challenge to Employeds’ core interests and needs. If we work together, we can develop healthy relationships that stand the test of time. Any day of the week. Oh are you giving me that look because you think I don’t have a job? So I can just hang out on a random Wednesday because I have nothing better to do with my time and no one cares about my whereabouts and probably wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t leave my apartment for a week?!

Stop harassing me!!! You know a career isn’t for everyone. And not everyone thinks that sitting at a desk all day pushing papers and checking your Facebook page is the be all end all. Some people really value a nice head of hair. Look at these curls! Look at them!!! THIS IS ALL I HAVE!!!

You know what, fine. How about we all just join the army and get shipped off to Afghanistan or Iraq!? Oh wait a minute, you already did that to us. How about we go to Iran then? They seem to have tasty food and freedom of speech!

Oh god, oh god, no. What is happening to me?! My professors warned me about this--that this could happen. That even the best of ethnographers find a case study so intriguing, so engrossing, so fascinating, that they begin to meld their own sense of identity into that of their subjects.

I have to separate myself from these people! I know they are just misunderstood, but I’m no match for the magnetic pull of their slovenly desperation. These Unemployeds are like bed bugs, taking over our civilized society. Starting Monday, I return to the office!