Gmail Version 2.4: Internet Filters for the Modern Man

Here at Google, we’re always thinking up new and innovative ways to improve the usability of Gmail in order to help you communicate reliably, efficiently, and securely.

As you know, we’ve long had easy-to-use parental controls that allow parents to limit what their precious kids are exposed to at an early age, while giving them the gift of exploration through the internet.

Similarly, we now realize that adults also can’t be trusted with such free rein on the internet. Because why break up with your girlfriend in person when you can do it in an email, Rick? Sure, just leave us to deal with Veronica bawling her eyes out at her desk for six hours. It’s not like we have a massive design deadline coming up this Friday. (New Android apps for all your favorite stores: coming May 2012!)

With our new adult e-male controls in Gmail 2.4, we’re putting a filter between you and your dumb words being passive aggressively sent on a lawless crusade through the world wide web, causing undue harm to you, your loved ones, and most importantly, her innocent, bystander coworkers who have serious deadlines to make.

Just as we wouldn’t have trusted any old Joe with the ability to launch nuclear missiles at the Soviets, why trust people to say whatever they want, whenever they want?

There are reasons angry people can’t buy guns. So what makes you think it’s okay to just ruin someone’s life who was calmly finishing the codes for the new YouTube app on what had been a typical Tuesday afternoon? “Her life is over now!” Did you know that, Rick? Because we do.

And words can be just as damaging as weapons. I thought Canadians were supposed to be nonviolent, but this one has been throwing reams of printer paper in the Googleplex yurt for the last hour and a half.

Here at Google, we’ve learned that the internet provides an incredible forum for greater communication, but that people are also dumb and selfish. So our programmers have created several new filters and alerts to screen emails and prevent otherwise perfectly reasonable-seeming people from misusing Gmail.

In our newest release of Gmail, filters will find phrases such as:
“I think we should take a break.”
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”
“Best of luck with the pregnancy. I wanted to let you know I’m moving to France.” And
“I hope we can still be friends.”

Upon identifying any of the aforementioned statements in an email being drafted, Gmail 2.4 will flash “DO NOT SEND” in bold red print across the user’s computer screen or smartphone.

If the user does not delete these ass hole phrases within 45 seconds, a gremlin’s face (from the movie Gremlins; a scary one, not the cute one) will appear and yell, “Don’t be a dick! There’s still time!” Please note, if in a library or office, this yelling will override any mute settings on the computer.

And, while still in the beta phase (Estimated release date: Fall 2013!), if these cruel messages are not removed after one minute, a hysterically crying face, with what looks like a highly contagious case of conjunctivitis, will physically launch out of the computer, dribbling snot and tears across the keyboard, yelling, “But I love you! I thought you were going to ask me to marry you!”

Following these warnings, if the user has still not removed his callous, cowardly comments, Gmail will delete the entire email being composed. Instead, an email with the words “I have a micro-penis,” written in point 85 size pink Comic Sans font, will then be sent to every person in his contact list, twenty-five times each. Following this, a list of his entire Google search history from the past year will be sent to all contacts. And finally, any document saved on the computer’s hard drive containing financial information and/or personal feelings will be emailed to all Gmail contacts.

If you insist on changing the settings for this new filter, you can simply do so by going to the Account Settings option on the right hand side of the Toolbar at the top of your Inbox. You will then be given a series of questions intended to determine whether you are of sound state of mind or legally insane. If the former, in order to disable these preventative settings, you will be prompted to re-type and electronically sign the statement, “I have the moral integrity of a mildly hungry hamster who has just eaten his five children even though he knows feeding time is in a half-hour.”

We at Google anticipate being able to remove these filters once we have perfected the capacity to travel back in time to undo your stupid emails. (Anticipated release date: early 2015!) Until then, we hope you will enjoy and benefit from this most recent round of improvements to Gmail!

As always, we encourage feedback using the drop down menu on the lower right side of your Inbox.

Happy Gmailing!