Mr. Simmons' Interrogation

Alright, Mr. Simmons. You give me an answer and you give it to me now. Did you or did you not import bed bugs to the upper east side of Manhattan in order to sell more mattresses? Did you?

I see here you took a little trip to the Amazon last winter. Know what loves the rainforest? Bed bugs! That’s what. Warm moist mattress-like piles of leaves and dirt. They just can’t get enough of that climate. But I didn’t have to tell you that, Mr. Simmons. No, you and your cozy warm, mattress-lined suitcases already knew that.

Lift up your sleeve, Simmons. Lift it!! Where are the bites? Where are they!? Don’t show me freckles, I want to see bites! I know they’re there. You can’t be breeding bed bugs and not encounter a few casualties yourself along the way.

Or has your little bed bug infestation racket raked in so much profit that you’re contracting out your bed bug breeding? Paying some illegal immigrants to do your dirty work for you? Mating their crunchy flattened shells and spawning thousands of itty bitty bed bugs in a bed bug seeped mattress? Disgusting, Mr. Simmons. How do you sleep at night?

You’re taking down this country, Simmons. One mattress at a time. Well I’ll tell you, what you are doing is un-American. There’s nothing more anti-liberty than a bed bug. Americans can’t get fat and happy without a good night’s sleep. And with your anti-West rhetoric? Soon people may think beds are a luxury they don’t need. And wouldn’t that come back and bite you in the ass?

America-hater! You think we should live with insects just because other countries do?? Or you think we can just keep buying mattresses forever because we’re scared of animals?? You’re tearing this country apart, Simmons! Americans can’t deal with wildlife. Who do you think we are, Australians?!

You’re an extremist, Simmons. Causing trouble and discomfort to the extreme. We could try you for biological warfare, you know that? In 1956, Edgar Pervins was set to fire for bringing rats into the New York City subway system. 50 plus years later, and look where we are: still infested. Diseased, infested, subway systems that no one can take anymore because they’re filled to the brim with rats. Rats on every bench and every seat. Sometimes playing that stupid tambourine asking for money. Edgar Pervins was a cabbie, you see. You’re not the first one to try and pull this stunt. But by god, if I have anything to do with it, you’ll be the last.

Where’d you train, Simmons? Kandahar? Algeria? CHICAGO?? Sleezbags, all of ‘em.

Well listen up, your little bed bug scheme is over. You gotta stop breeding ‘em just to sell more mattresses. And not only that, but you’re gonna help us get rid of ‘em. I don’t care that you bred them and suckled those disgusting little bugs. Consider this little meeting adjourned.