Gmail Version 2.4: Internet Filters for the Modern Man

Here at Google, we’re always thinking up new and innovative ways to improve the usability of Gmail in order to help you communicate reliably, efficiently, and securely.

As you know, we’ve long had easy-to-use parental controls that allow parents to limit what their precious kids are exposed to at an early age, while giving them the gift of exploration through the internet.

Similarly, we now realize that adults also can’t be trusted with such free rein on the internet. Because why break up with your girlfriend in person when you can do it in an email, Rick? Sure, just leave us to deal with Veronica bawling her eyes out at her desk for six hours. It’s not like we have a massive design deadline coming up this Friday. (New Android apps for all your favorite stores: coming May 2012!)

With our new adult e-male controls in Gmail 2.4, we’re putting a filter between you and your dumb words being passive aggressively sent on a lawless crusade through the world wide web, causing undue harm to you, your loved ones, and most importantly, her innocent, bystander coworkers who have serious deadlines to make.

Just as we wouldn’t have trusted any old Joe with the ability to launch nuclear missiles at the Soviets, why trust people to say whatever they want, whenever they want?

There are reasons angry people can’t buy guns. So what makes you think it’s okay to just ruin someone’s life who was calmly finishing the codes for the new YouTube app on what had been a typical Tuesday afternoon? “Her life is over now!” Did you know that, Rick? Because we do.

And words can be just as damaging as weapons. I thought Canadians were supposed to be nonviolent, but this one has been throwing reams of printer paper in the Googleplex yurt for the last hour and a half.

Here at Google, we’ve learned that the internet provides an incredible forum for greater communication, but that people are also dumb and selfish. So our programmers have created several new filters and alerts to screen emails and prevent otherwise perfectly reasonable-seeming people from misusing Gmail.

In our newest release of Gmail, filters will find phrases such as:
“I think we should take a break.”
“I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you.”
“Best of luck with the pregnancy. I wanted to let you know I’m moving to France.” And
“I hope we can still be friends.”

Upon identifying any of the aforementioned statements in an email being drafted, Gmail 2.4 will flash “DO NOT SEND” in bold red print across the user’s computer screen or smartphone.

If the user does not delete these ass hole phrases within 45 seconds, a gremlin’s face (from the movie Gremlins; a scary one, not the cute one) will appear and yell, “Don’t be a dick! There’s still time!” Please note, if in a library or office, this yelling will override any mute settings on the computer.

And, while still in the beta phase (Estimated release date: Fall 2013!), if these cruel messages are not removed after one minute, a hysterically crying face, with what looks like a highly contagious case of conjunctivitis, will physically launch out of the computer, dribbling snot and tears across the keyboard, yelling, “But I love you! I thought you were going to ask me to marry you!”

Following these warnings, if the user has still not removed his callous, cowardly comments, Gmail will delete the entire email being composed. Instead, an email with the words “I have a micro-penis,” written in point 85 size pink Comic Sans font, will then be sent to every person in his contact list, twenty-five times each. Following this, a list of his entire Google search history from the past year will be sent to all contacts. And finally, any document saved on the computer’s hard drive containing financial information and/or personal feelings will be emailed to all Gmail contacts.

If you insist on changing the settings for this new filter, you can simply do so by going to the Account Settings option on the right hand side of the Toolbar at the top of your Inbox. You will then be given a series of questions intended to determine whether you are of sound state of mind or legally insane. If the former, in order to disable these preventative settings, you will be prompted to re-type and electronically sign the statement, “I have the moral integrity of a mildly hungry hamster who has just eaten his five children even though he knows feeding time is in a half-hour.”

We at Google anticipate being able to remove these filters once we have perfected the capacity to travel back in time to undo your stupid emails. (Anticipated release date: early 2015!) Until then, we hope you will enjoy and benefit from this most recent round of improvements to Gmail!

As always, we encourage feedback using the drop down menu on the lower right side of your Inbox.

Happy Gmailing!

Theories of Change, Now for Everyday Use!

Theories of Change for Everyday Use!

(Thanks to Sean’s brilliance)

Leah: I could use: some live music, a good cuddle, and a nice read on structural violence and war economies.

Sean: Can you do all those things at the same time?

Leah: You're such an aid worker. Always multi-tasking.

Sean: Well, those are three broad results What's the objective? And what are your assumptions?

Leah: Oh no, you're right!! Who would fund that?! Maybe the EU? What about "happiness writ large"? No no, that’s not it, that's too broad of a goal.

Sean: Probably, they're big on PDA, which is what cuddling at live music would be I guess.

Leah: How about "decreased anxiety"? That might be hard to measure.

Sean: You need to do a SWOT analysis.

Leah: Good call.

Sean: You can't just assume that you need live music.

Leah: Geez you're right What was I thinking?

Sean: I don't know, but it's good that you have an expert around.

Leah: Yes it's true.

Sean: That'll be $1,000 please.

Leah: Oh um, one sec, let me just see if I can get a loan to pay you.

Sean: Ok.

Leah: Ok, I think I'm set. The interest rate is only 45%. I will send it to you via my mobile banking phone. beep boop boop.

Sean: Put it on your credit card.

Leah: Um ok. Sean, I'm hungry. But I spent all my money on consultants.

And I forgot to add food to my theory of change.

Sean: Hmmmm. Can you get some more money?

Leah: Oooh yes, I bet I can. I will call China.

Sean: Typical. I wish I could give you more advice, but it's not free.

Leah: But I really want some more advice. Now I'm hungry and angry. Maybe I'll start a war, to generate income.

Sean: No no no no.

Leah: Arrggh but I'm aanngryyyyy.

Sean: Have an election. Ok, fiiiiiiiine. I'll put on a workshop and give you food

Leah: Yaaay! I'm also thirsty.

Sean: There will be several coffee and tea breaks.

Leah: Oh good. And our poll workers are hungry too. And t-shirts? T-shirts make me happy and less likely to fight.

Sean: Sorry, I have to go on vacation. Your questions will have to wait.

Leah: Nooooooo, when will you be back?

Sean: Well, I'll be back in ten days, but I won't be able to catch up with you for at least another week after that because I'll have a lot of work piling up, and then I have to plan my next vacation. So, really, in about 17 days we'll have a five hour window to further discuss this workshop you want. I can give you free food, but the workshop you want is something you want and need to plan. Sorry-o

Leah: Oh. I'm hungry.

And scene.

PoE

Welcome to Petals of the Earth. I'll be your serving partner today in your dining experience. Can I offer you some unfiltered spring water to build up the natural bacteria in your body? Great, and would you also like some wheatgrass to cleanse your palate? Is this the first time you've been to our kitchen? Oh, well let me tell you a bit about our menu and restaurant, which are completely biodegradable by the way. Yep, both the menu and the restaurant in its entirety.

So first of all, you should know that our food comes from nearby farms and is walked or biked over to our restaurant every morning by several not-yet-documented friends. All of our food is vegan, meaning there are no meat or dairy products or other products originating from animals or using non-consensual animals in their production. We're also anti-soy because, ha, well everyone knows why. So I'll also just preempt the question about the chai lattes on our menu and let you know that the milk in our lattes has been milked from fully consensual human breasts. Mostly our milk donors are women who've recently given birth and had their babies adopted by families in Africa to give them a richer cultural upbringing than they would otherwise have in the United States.

Additionally, since you are here for the dinner crowd, please know that once the sun sets, you'll be eating your food in the dark. Your senses of touch, smell, and taste are remarkably well adapted to dealing with not having any light. Trust me, you'll see! Ha, just kidding. You won't be able to see.

All of our food is prepared raw obviously. And you'll have an option of three meals tonight. We have greens with peanuts. We have cactus with bamboo. And we have hay. All are very high in fiber and quite satisfying to the soul.

Payment is of course by the barter system only, and on a sliding scale of whatever you feel is the equivalent value of your meal. If you feel that your meal is worth one antique sewing machine, then that's what you'll pay for it. If you feel it's worth your favorite dreamcatcher, then that's what you'll pay. Most people end up feeling like the meal measures up to one of their favorites! Or if it can only possibly be quantified in positive vibes and smiles, then that works too. You know that's actually the best deal for us, because good energy expands and multiplies... for free! So that payment keeps on giving!

Oh and that reminds me, you're not allowed to bring in any external food or drink. Just simply because we won't be able to know what kind of energy it was raised with and carries, you know? I mean, it's a pretty obvious rule, but sometimes it trips people up for some reason so I like to remind everyone.

I'll be back after a few sun salutations to take your nourishment decisions.

stuffs 2

Oh yes, I'm religious. I go to church and stuff. I was raised that way, but I also believe it, you know. Too much fucked up stuff in this world not to believe in a god. You gotta believe in a god. Who else is gonna save you when that rapture comes? Just kidding. But really, stuff's messed up. No way that coulda just happened it on its own. Lotsa violence all around us. We gotta scary god. Really fuckin scary, that god.

I went to college. Small women's college in South Carolina. Bunch of fancy girls sown there. I never could pull of a fancy hat. Always scared I'd get stuck in an elevator door or car door or screen door, or that there would be some bird coming towards my head and I wouldn't see it because of that stupid straw hat. Birds are crazy. You got a bird? People who have birds as pets are playing with fire. You want to talk about god? Right there. If god wasn't crazy, he wouldn't have invented birds.

I don't like ochra. I don't trust it. What makes it so slimy? How is that the only vegetable that's that slimy like that? Vegetables come in food groups, or families, just like animals. They're all related. Now you tell me what food group ochra is in. Right? Can't do it. Ochra and birds, I tell you. We live in a fucked up world.

I do like pastas. Pastas with tomato and greens and cheese. Fish can mess you up, you know that? Not enough people do know that. You know about mercury poisoning? People would say it was just for people working in hat factories. And now they pretend it's not a problem anymore. But you eve met someone who eats a lot of tuna fish? I have. That tuna'll make you go crazy. Slowly so you won't know until you're all out crazy, which is the worst kind of crazy-making. Kind of like the worst slowest most invisible type of cancer of crazy-making. I don't know how they still sell that stuff. It should have a warning on it. They don't sell mercury thermomenters anymore because you're not supposed to be drinking that stuff. That's crazy they had you putting that in your mouth with just a thin piece of glass between you and that crazy juice! That's just crazy. We live in a fucked up world, I tell you.

stuff 1

Do you ever just feel like sugar snap peas are god's gift to Brooklyn via his had of the farmer's market. I mean, not that I believe a god necessarily exists, but if he did. Then again, I mean, I guess if you think of nature as your god, which lets face it, it really is, right? Then sugar snap peas really are god's gift to us.

I tried that new yoga studio today. It's good but I'm just not sure my chakras are aligned and feeling it. I think there's a weird breeze that's throwing them off. Or maybe that neon light that you can see from the far right corner of the studio if you have to sit there because you get in late. I mean, who wants to do yoga in the middle of the red light district of Amsterdam because that's what it feels like, right? Know what I mean?

Aw man, bikes though, right? Amazing. I just got this new old bike that is such a sweet ride. I can feel the history in it, know what I mean? I bet it's been in Brooklyn for like 40 years ever since it was made. It's a US made one. Or maybe some old farmer owned it out in Montana and then his son rode it all the way to the East coast to become a film actor or an urban farmer or something. It's definitely got a lot of stories to tell, I just know it.

You know what I'm really into these days? Mandolins. They're just so sexy, I think, right? Like the have this twang like they're being played out of some rusty old eroding barn. But they're tough you know. Like that nerd from high school James Titter who totally now runs some kick-ass farm in upstate New York and is like biking in food to New York City public schools. Like he's kinda sweet but then super tough too. Like he could definitely be lost in the woods for a few days and would be totally fine and also reach some new level of Buddhist enlightenment because that's just what he does when he's bored.

Oh wow, the sun is totally setting already, I gotta run! I'm meeting my friend Johnster at dusk, we're gonna take pictures of that rusty car on the corner of Vanderbilt and Bergen. Love and light, guys!

Hair Horror Films

By E and L

Shadow of a One Handlebar Mustache

Eye Without an Eyebrow: Errant Razor

The Smell of Burning S’mores and Singed Bangs

Guerrilla Greys

Creeping Bald Spot: The Case of the Missing Hairs

The Waxing Wistakes: Distracted Bikini Waxer

Mr. Simmons' Interrogation

Alright, Mr. Simmons. You give me an answer and you give it to me now. Did you or did you not import bed bugs to the upper east side of Manhattan in order to sell more mattresses? Did you?

I see here you took a little trip to the Amazon last winter. Know what loves the rainforest? Bed bugs! That’s what. Warm moist mattress-like piles of leaves and dirt. They just can’t get enough of that climate. But I didn’t have to tell you that, Mr. Simmons. No, you and your cozy warm, mattress-lined suitcases already knew that.

Lift up your sleeve, Simmons. Lift it!! Where are the bites? Where are they!? Don’t show me freckles, I want to see bites! I know they’re there. You can’t be breeding bed bugs and not encounter a few casualties yourself along the way.

Or has your little bed bug infestation racket raked in so much profit that you’re contracting out your bed bug breeding? Paying some illegal immigrants to do your dirty work for you? Mating their crunchy flattened shells and spawning thousands of itty bitty bed bugs in a bed bug seeped mattress? Disgusting, Mr. Simmons. How do you sleep at night?

You’re taking down this country, Simmons. One mattress at a time. Well I’ll tell you, what you are doing is un-American. There’s nothing more anti-liberty than a bed bug. Americans can’t get fat and happy without a good night’s sleep. And with your anti-West rhetoric? Soon people may think beds are a luxury they don’t need. And wouldn’t that come back and bite you in the ass?

America-hater! You think we should live with insects just because other countries do?? Or you think we can just keep buying mattresses forever because we’re scared of animals?? You’re tearing this country apart, Simmons! Americans can’t deal with wildlife. Who do you think we are, Australians?!

You’re an extremist, Simmons. Causing trouble and discomfort to the extreme. We could try you for biological warfare, you know that? In 1956, Edgar Pervins was set to fire for bringing rats into the New York City subway system. 50 plus years later, and look where we are: still infested. Diseased, infested, subway systems that no one can take anymore because they’re filled to the brim with rats. Rats on every bench and every seat. Sometimes playing that stupid tambourine asking for money. Edgar Pervins was a cabbie, you see. You’re not the first one to try and pull this stunt. But by god, if I have anything to do with it, you’ll be the last.

Where’d you train, Simmons? Kandahar? Algeria? CHICAGO?? Sleezbags, all of ‘em.

Well listen up, your little bed bug scheme is over. You gotta stop breeding ‘em just to sell more mattresses. And not only that, but you’re gonna help us get rid of ‘em. I don’t care that you bred them and suckled those disgusting little bugs. Consider this little meeting adjourned.