PCP

To my new primary care physician,

Thank you for creating such a welcoming environment in your office.

Never before have I been to a doctor’s office where it felt just like I was at a friend’s apartment or that crazy history professor’s office with piles of paper on every surface, overflowing file cabinets, and a desktop computer that looks like it’s from 1997 and hasn’t been turned on since 2003. I can’t stand all of those other doctors’ offices that are so overly-neat and sterile-feeling. I barely even see any medical equipment at yours. And I appreciate that, because--let’s be honest--test tubes, bandages, and needles do not make me feel comfortable. And when you’re sick, don’t you just want to feel comfortable?!

Speaking of uncomfortable, I absolutely hate lying on a big sheet of butchers paper to get my breasts examined. It makes me feel like such a piece of meat. Gross. But with you, there was none of that! No butchers paper on the examining table, no plastic gloves; you didn’t even wash your potato-chip crumb covered hands. You totally know what’s important and what not to fret over! I love it!

And it was just too cute how your secretary called me “Ms. New Patient” during the two hours while I was waiting for my appointment. And how she threatened to kick my non-injured knee to make the injured one feel better?! Hilarious!! It’s that type of camaraderie that makes the time fly by. Well, that and being able to listen in on all of your appointments because of the open doors, and hearing diagnoses and prescriptions being yelled out. Oh and you really gave it to that Dr. Nelson on the phone!!!! What a lazy bastard!! Finally, a doctor’s office where I feel like we’re all in it together--secretary, doctor, and 7 other patients in one hallway-shaped office.

I also think it’s totally awesome how you relate to your patients by being hip and using curse words when we talk. Like when you recommended that dermatologist to me because he would “just slice it right off” because “that’s the kind of doctor he is;” because “even though he said it was benign, it was fucking freaking you out, so he just did it.” I feel like you really get me! I also love a doctor who will just do what I say and is a little scalpel happy. I’m paying for it, so I should get to call the shots, right?!

And I love what you’ve done to your office. I’ve never seen such efficient use of space. I mean, why not file patients’ folders in the same room with the the toilet, refrigerator, and sink? And so what if said file cabinets have no doors, and the toilet water may happen to spray upward to an alarming height? Kudos to you for saying f you to convention!

I think it’s totally rad how old school you are with all of your paper files in manila folders with people’s full names written on them in permanent black marker on the sides. You know, our over-protective, HIPAA-ridden, paranoid society is what’s ruining patient-doctor relationships. Remember when we could just trust one another? When we were all like family?

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks, doc, for restoring my faith in our healthcare system. Finally, I feel like there’s someone out there who gets it.

Sincerely,

Samantha Richardson (aka Ms. New Patient)